A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.
"What glass of milk?", he replied.
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.
"Oh my god!"
Me: What?
"That was my glass of milk."
"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you"
So a man orders a dozen margaritas.
A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.
The bartender says, "Wow, what's the special occasion?"
The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."
The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How 'bout an extra margarita on the house?"
The man replied, "No thanks, if 12 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.
The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”
The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”
The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”
The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”
GF: See you later, love you xxx
**Me:** love you too
**GF:** Babe, it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your reply xxx
**Me:** ok, love you too Donna, Yolanda, Sharon, Vicky
5 penises
A man visits his doctor and tells him,
"You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 penises!"
To which the doctor replies,
"5 penises! How do your pants fit?"
"Like a glove!"
His visit to the eye doctor.
A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doctor answered, “probably not.”
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
A tire was talking to a hubcap after a roadtrip
The tire says "man I've had a long day." The hubcap replies "I feel you, are you exhausted?" And the tire says "no, that's the guy in the back, I'm just tired."
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."
The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
A student visits the principal’s office one day...
The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
A Priest and a Prostitute
One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.
Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"
The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"
A man lost his penis in a car accident...
He's obviously devastated. Although a lawsuit after the accident wins him £9000. During a check up with the doctor he is offered an experimental procedure. They can read build his penis at the price of £1000 per inch. Extatic, he tells the doctor he will discuss it with his wife and return tomorrow with an answer. The next day comes round and the doctor asks what the decision is. The man replies dejected "we are getting a new kitchen".
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they settled into their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”
A priest and a man are standing next to each other at a urinal...
The man cannot help himself and looks over at the priest. He notices the priest has a nicotine patch on his penis. Puzzled, the man asks, "Father why do you have a nicotine patch on your penis for?" The priest replies, "well, since I've started wearing these I am down to two butts a day."
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. "Guess I'm swimming then."
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."