Rights jokes

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

The cure for my depression is right around the corner.

Yes, here comes my train now.

First dirty joke an adult ever told me, what's yours?

A pelican spots a frog in a marsh and swallows him whole. The pelican flies off and reaches a great height. Suddenly the frog pokes his head out of the pelicans butt and yells out to the pelican "Hey,how high are we right now?", the pelican replies "About 100 meters.", to which the frog nervously replies "Are you shitting me?"

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

My wife just walked in on me blow drying my penis, she looked confused and asked me what I was doing. I now know heating your dinner isn't the right answer

I find abortion to be a difficult topic.

On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.

You wanna know why I got kicked out of the library?

I moved all of the women's rights books to the fiction section.

People are like lottery tickets.

You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember

A LADY lost her handbag..

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

So I'm fucking this guy in the ass, right?

... and I'm fucking him, and I'm fucking him ...

... and I'm fucking him ...

... and then I reach around, and he's ***HARD***.

And I'm like ***SHIT THIS GUY IS A FAG!***

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I like to tell that one whenever the conversation stops at a party.

As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down

I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.

My wife just left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

Three men book into a busy ski lodge

So they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"