A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed naked with a gorgeous naked girl on the right of you, and a naked gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."
If I was a serial killer my name would be "The Suspence"
So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"
And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.
A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions: "Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?" "Yeah, it's on 3rd street." "What, right next to the brothel?" "What? No! The brothel is on 17th street." "Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.
I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.
She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...
Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...
...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"
She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."
An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."
A linguistics professor
... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."
They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"
They are darn right, that field isn't hiring!
What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?
This place is 5k from a school, right?
A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”
“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”
A young adult named Bob enters a confessional
Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”
Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”
Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”
Teacher: how do you spell ‘crocodile’
Kid: K-R-O-K-I-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: no, that’s wrong.
Kid: no, I’m right. Other people might spell it differently but you asked how I spell it.
Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”
Johnny: ”3!”
Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”
Fishing secret
A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret. "What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long." "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says. "What??" "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" "I’m sorry, I just can't understand you." "Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand. "You've got to keep the worms warm."
A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...
A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.
The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right breast once, sound good?”. The husband agrees, and picks up the pen, “If you want to have sex with me, pull my dick once, if you don’t want to have sex with me pull my dick 1,345 times, sound good?”.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
3.
His left ear.
His right ear.
And the final frontier.
What did the left leg say to the right leg?
"Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick."
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
Suicide Bomber
They said, "If you blow up the building, you'll get 72 virgins when you go to heaven!" I said, "How about I just vandalize it for 5 sluts right now?"
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?
Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.
What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip ?
We used to be tight before we let some dick get between us.