Rights jokes

Student

Student

A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed naked with a gorgeous naked girl on the right of you, and a naked gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"

Woman

Woman

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The Suspence"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

Man

Man

A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions: "Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?" "Yeah, it's on 3rd street." "What, right next to the brothel?" "What? No! The brothel is on 17th street." "Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"

Mate

Mate

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

Librarian

Librarian

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."

Girlfriend

Girlfriend

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Irishman

Irishman

An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."

Class

Class

A linguistics professor

... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."

Field

Field

They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"

They are darn right, that field isn't hiring!

Thing

Thing

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

Man

Man

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

Bob

Bob

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

Teacher

Teacher

Teacher: how do you spell ‘crocodile’

Kid: K-R-O-K-I-D-I-A-L.

Teacher: no, that’s wrong.

Kid: no, I’m right. Other people might spell it differently but you asked how I spell it.

Teacher

Teacher

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

Guy

Guy

Fishing secret

A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret. "What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long." "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says. "What??" "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" "I’m sorry, I just can't understand you." "Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand. "You've got to keep the worms warm."

A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...

A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.

The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right breast once, sound good?”. The husband agrees, and picks up the pen, “If you want to have sex with me, pull my dick once, if you don’t want to have sex with me pull my dick 1,345 times, sound good?”.

Ear

Ear

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3.

His left ear.

His right ear.

And the final frontier.

Leg

Leg

What did the left leg say to the right leg?

"Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick."