Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
A monk, priest, and rabbit walk into a blood bank...
The rabbit turns to the other two and says, “I think I’m a type-O.”
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.
I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....
As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."
When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.
I don't even let my wife do that.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
They say “Dress for the job you want.”
How do I dress like a blow job?
A man's car gets haunted by a ghost
So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.
The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A pair of cows...
... were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"
Because it's a cow word.
----
I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?
A husband and wife were sleeping one night
When they wake up the next morning, the wife says, "I had a funny dream. I dreamt that there was an auction and they were auctioning off penis'. Little ones were $10, big ones were $100"
"How much was were the ones like mine going for?"
"They were giving them away."
"Well," He says, "I had a similar dream. I dreamed that there was an auction for vaginas. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100."
"What about ones like mine?" She inquires.
"That's where they had the auction!"
Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a couple times."
A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...
...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
-1:0 I am winning, - says the man. Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.
-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.
A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.
The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.
The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.
The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...
He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"
She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."
Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."
A Greek and a Italian are having a beer.
The Greek Says "You know, we invented sex." Then the Italian turn's and looks at him. "Well we brought women into it."
NASA Scientists say its possible to live on Mars.
Bullshit, I tried it and now I'm 15Kg heavier and diabetic