Saying jokes

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days.

He says life could be a lot worse, that I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."

I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues

Only retards do that

Say what you want about Trump...

...but he’s brought school shootings down to zero for more than an entire month.

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

A pirate goes to a doctor

worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar

I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it

They say make-up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

What did the fresh egg say to the boiling pot of water?

"It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning."

I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday

They say it's because I took a day off

What do Jewish pedophiles say to kids?

Hey, wanna buy some candy?

Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts.

A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.

Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"

People say I don't have friends

They're wrong. I have 10 seasons on DVD

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."