Saying jokes

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying ten babies in one trashcan. Morbid humor would be saying one baby in ten trashcans.

What did the rope say to me?

"Hey there, man, you wanna hang later?"

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?" The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator not a lift" and "it's chips not crisps," etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.

"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.

"Go out with a big, loud bang!" That's what I say.

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person? If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

My cousin died last week; he needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says they've invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until the machine is at 100%. The man still feels nothing, so they go home happy until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Don't say your life is a joke; jokes have meaning.

2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

Two men are talking about their sex lives...

One says to the other "I'm not getting on too badly. I have welfare sex."

"What's welfare sex?" asks the other

"Simple." replies the first guy. "I get some each month, but it ain't enough to live on!"

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.

After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

What do farmers say when they want to party?

Hay, lettuce turnip the beets