A woman is golfing with some friends.
After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says, "What can I help you with?"
The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee.
The pro asks, "Oh really, where?"
The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole."
To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance is way too wide."
A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec
I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.
Why did the King take a second job as a bartender?
When it reigns it pours.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -
Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937
They discussed why they had been arrested.
"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"
"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"
"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?
A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover
Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
Two scientists walk into a bar...
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"
The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."
The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one."
Wife says, "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a change."
Genie: What is your first wish?
Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Wish granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money.
There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.
They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.
The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.
The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.
"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"
"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer
"I am, yes, nice to meet you."
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
At the second hand store!
"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1...2...3...4...5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction
On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.
“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”
“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”
My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed
But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
