A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”
St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”
The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”
St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”
Drink
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licks his cone and replies:
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? They can't see their parents.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now...
But nooooooo! The mother fucker is still alive.
A general walks up to his private
"Private!"
"Yes, sir!"
"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"
"Thank you, sir!"
I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction
On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
I'll see myself out now.
My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.
With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
Two Jews are arguing before the Rabbi
J1: "Black is a color!"
J2: "NO! it is not!"
J1: "It is a color!"
J2: "Rabbi, is black a color?"
Rabbi: "Well, sure..."
J1: "See, I told you. And so is white!"
J2: "White is not a color!"
J1: "Rabbi?"
Rabbi: "Well, yes, white is a color"
J1: "See, I told you Moishe, I sold you a *color* TV"
A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...
The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:
- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German
- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.
- Well, he...
Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:
- I will fall down, you idiot!
Have you noticed how you rarely see Delorian's on the road anymore?
Apparently their owners only drive them from Time to Time.
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...
He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"
She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."
Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."
To be honest a good percentage of my friends are Nazis
That percentage is zero. See! That’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have
A redneck sees another carrying a sheep under each arm.
So he asks him, "you shearing?" The other answers "nope, gonna fuck 'em both m'self."