A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?
He parks his car, man.
Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battle.
How does a colorblind person see the LGBTQ flag?
They see it in gayscale.
Two rapists
Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: "We are looking for two rapists." The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: "Okay, we're in."
A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.
He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."
I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...
It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt
Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.
I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.
The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
Did anyone see the joke I made about the chiropractor?
I posted it here about a weak back.
Professor X: what's your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that's not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."
The husband begins packing his bags.
"What are you doing?" asked the wife.
"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....
I should mind my own bismuth.
When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.
Impressive.
One minute you're young and fun...
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
A blonde sees a another blonde across a lake and asks "How do I get to the other side?" the other blonde replies...
"You are on the other side".
Waiter: "How would you like your steak sir?"
Me: "Medium?"
Medium: "I can see it, he wants it well done"
Can we please stop posting chemistry jokes?
I keep seeing the same jokes reposted periodically.