Sex jokes

Beleive it or not, Mormons do have sex.

Let that fact soak in.

Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."

The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."

I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.

and then there’s you, without both.

My Wife was dying

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy...

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping off this ledge!”

The guy gets fed up and walks away..

“Where you going ?” asks the lady?

“I’m just gonna go wait for you at the bottom...”

Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.

Two men are talking about their sex lives...

One says to the other "I'm not getting on too badly. I have welfare sex."

"What's welfare sex?" asks the other

"Simple." replies the first guy. "I get some each month, but it ain't enough to live on!"

The doctor told me the only chance my wife in a coma had of coming to was by performing oral sex. I tried for 15 minutes...

But she just choked the whole time.

Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.

According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

Had sex with an Asian, a black and a white in the same night.

Perks of having a Panda.

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

A Greek and a Italian are having a beer.

The Greek Says "You know, we invented sex." Then the Italian turn's and looks at him. "Well we brought women into it."

Want to know the secret of how I managed to quit smoking?

I decided to only smoke after sex.

They say make-up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want anyone to know they're enjoying a piece of meat.

What do you call a sex-offending cat?

a Purr-vert