Washing Machine
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”
Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....
He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.
Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it. So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.
Wonderwoman: Did you feel that strong gust of wind just now?
Invisible Man: Yeah, and on top of that my ass is killing me.
I have my steaks like I have sex!
Very rare.
After sex, a girl once told me I had a small penis. She was cool, though. She never told any of her friends...
She never told anyone. Anything. Ever. Again.
I was in sex education class ..
...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"
I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."
She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."
An Englishman is sitting on a train when he overhears a loud conversation between two Italians...
First, Emma cum, then I cum... then two asses, they come together, then I cum again. Then the two asses, they come together again, then I cum... pee twice, then I cum again!
“Excuse me” says the Englishman. “In this country it’s very inappropriate to be talking about sex in public like that!”
The Italian guy is confused “what sex? I’m telling my friend how to spell a Mississippi!”
Day 584 without sex.
Went jogging in flip flops just to remind me what it sounds like..
I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....
I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
Wonder Woman
Superman and Flash are on the roof of a tall building, and they see Wonder Woman, naked, with her legs wide open, on the roof of the building next door.
Flash says to Superman, "I bet I could run over to her, have sex with her, and run off before she notices me." Superman agrees, and Flash runs over, has rough and fast sex with her, and runs off.
Wonder Woman feels a breeze and goes, "What the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but damn does my ass hurt."
How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex.
I called her.
A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.
He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, “hey I know what you’re about to do, and I won’t pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It’s been a really long time.
She replies, no you sicko!”
So he says “it’s cool. I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?
He winked at me and said "Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......"
Who is the greatest?
A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all
BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!
A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...
phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."
The cost of living has now become so expensive.....
....that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.
The sex position 69 will now be called 96
This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex
Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice *juuust* right