Sex jokes

I made the Earth move for the last girl I had sex with.

And then I moved it back to the hole I had buried her in.

I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life!

NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

A magician is having sex with a woman and he cums inside her.

The woman gets angry over this and yells at him "why the fuck would you cum inside me!!?"

Magician says "psyche! Check your ear!"

To determine a rabbit's sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.

If *she* runs, it's a girl.

A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."

Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven’t had sex all year.

It’s getting less funnier each day I tell her.

Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"

Teenage sex

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

I saw my girlfriend midway through sex with another guy.

So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide.

Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies when we're having sex, over."

What do you call a woman that has sex for spaghetti?

A pastatute

3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”

Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”

Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

What's the speed limit of sex?

68 – at 69 you have to turn around.

When it comes to dealing with stress, studies suggest masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush

I asked a Chinese Girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."