She jokes

I was given LSD and MDMA tonight

What a shit start to a game of Scrabble!!

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

My sister bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face as I was drivin pasta!

"Hey man, can I borrow your chloroform?"

"Sure! Knock yourself out."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Deja.

Deja who?

Knock, knock.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."

There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower

And fucking liars.

According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.

I have a Czech one, too.

One too.

What do you call dynamite that do not explode?

TN'T

Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"

Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."

Mom: "Awww!"

Dad: "...Underwater."

What do boobs and the sun have in common?

You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses

When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.

I don't even let my wife do that.

How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw