She jokes

Bar

A straw man, a red herring, and a MacGuffin walk into a bar.

But this joke isn't about that.

Pocket

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said

I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said,

"Well, show me your pocket than."

"What for?" I asked

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

1

Why does 0 = 1?

Cos 0 = 1

Wife

Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events"

Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"

Language

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

Mum

When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

Woman

Making love to a woman, is like playing a violin...

I don't know how to do it...

Earth

I made the Earth move for the last girl I had sex with.

And then I moved it back to the hole I had buried her in.

I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

Titanic

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

Fridge

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

Programmer

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.

I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.

Cowboy

Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle?

In case of any night mares!

Reason

If you get seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed.

This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Nervous

What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?

Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.

Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when they both are.

Teacher

Teacher: "‌‌Use t‌‌he w‌‌ord '‌‌centimeter' i‌‌n a‌‌ s‌‌entence"

Student: "‌‌My g‌‌randma w‌‌as a‌‌rriving a‌‌t t‌‌he t‌‌rain s‌‌tation s‌‌o i‌‌ w‌‌as c‌‌entimeter."

Teacher: "‌‌No, n‌‌o, t‌‌hat's '‌‌Sent t‌‌o m‌‌eet h‌‌er'. O‌‌kay, t‌‌ry a‌‌nother o‌‌ne. U‌‌se '‌‌contagious' i‌‌n a‌‌ s‌‌entence p‌‌lease."

Student: "‌‌I h‌‌ad t‌‌o w‌‌ait a‌‌t t‌‌he t‌‌rain s‌‌tation f‌‌or h‌‌ours b‌‌ecause i‌‌t t‌‌ook t‌‌hat c‌‌ontagious!"