She jokes

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

I called up GameStop customer support

They told me to hold.

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

Excuse me, can I smell your pussy ?

A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?” “Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man

It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in

“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”

The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”

The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”

The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”

“No, just one.”

The scientist slowly sits back in his chair. “Well next time don’t get my hopes up. Damn Russians...”

I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday

I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.

My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!". "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing, she is just having contractions."

This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules

Taiwan:I am China

China:No I am China

Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan

China:No you are China

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"

The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"

The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"

The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It’s still fowl language

Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

Doctor says"You have a cateract." Asian man says "No, I have a rincoln continental."

My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...

But it put her to sleep.

44% of Marriages end in divorce.

That means 56% of marriages are fatal. I love statistics.

Apparently 1 in 3 households live next door to a pedophile

Not me though, I live next to two smoking hot 7 year olds.

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."

What happens when you step on a grape?

It lets out a little wine.

The Holy Bible tells us to love one another.

The Kama Sutra is more specific.