She jokes

what did the archer ask the pepper?

"do you habanero?"

I thought of this tonight making dinner. I'm sure someone has thought of this before me, but figured I would share anyway.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

How did 8 kill 18?

8/8/18

I am a 100 days sober!

... Not in a row or anything, just total.

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...

"That's probably why they got flowers then..."

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure. One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."

She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

If I was god I would be an atheist

Because I do not believe in myself

Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

My wife just nudged me and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought, that's a strange way to start a conversation.

My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

Why don't blind people go for bungee jumping?

it scares the shit out of the dogs.

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

I just passed my drug test

my dealer has some explaining to do

How does a transgender ninja kill people?

They/them.

If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one...

What type of sandwich would you make?

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there,

He said he can't complain.

I need glasses to see my family.

In particular, two glasses of Scotch.

When are minorities not minorities?

When you look at crime statistics.