She jokes

My friend asked me to stop singing wonderwall

I said maybe

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Communism works on paper

Unless that paper is used in a history book

"A nurse pulls out a rectal thermometer from her front pocket

Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

-jimmi carr

An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.

A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your cane, you wouldn't have this much trouble."

The old man replies: "Boy, I would be sitting down on this bus if only your father put on that rubber"

What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a black man?

A refrigerator doesn’t get shot for running

What's the best thing about having alzeimhers disease?

You can hide your own easter eggs

Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use Lubricant.

I hate it when people ask me where I'll be in 5 years.

I don't have 2020 vision.

My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

Ever wonder why you always get a boner when you look in the mirror?

That's because your dick thinks you're a cunt too!

Why do they call it boob sweat

and not humidititties?

Jesus to the Jews:

I am the son of God.

Jews: No way...

Jesus: Yahweh.

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating.

The boy, curious asks him, "Dad, what are you doing?"

The father replies, "This is called masturbating, and pretty soon you will be doing it also."

The kid, puzzled, asks, "How do you know that?"

The father goes "Because my arm is getting tired."

There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable....

Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.

I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

Sex with a weatherman must suck.

Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches, only to find out it's not even 4.

Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud

Yes sir, it's fresh ground!