She jokes

Word

Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”

Dracula - “Vie.”

Me - “It’s for a crossword.”

I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.

Psychiatrist

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Night

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went...

...then it dawned on me.

Tattoo

I got a temporary tattoo

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

News

Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job?

It was all over the news!

(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)

Cry

What do you say when your English teacher is crying?

"There, their, they're".

Joke

My deaf sibling asked if i wanted to hear a joke

I replied “sure”

They said “me too”

Penis

I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

Daughter

my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders:

Spiders make Websites.

she's not wrong.

Man

The man that invented throat lozenges died last week...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

Snake

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A "Pi"-thon.

(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

Boy

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."