She jokes

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

Why is a woman's orgasm so much different from a man's?

Because her O varies.

You know what they say. Big hands, big feet...

Two outta three ain't bad!

“Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left?”

“Ten.”

“Ten what?”

“Nine”

I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn’t reach the meat that was on the top shelf

He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas'

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.

The bartender asks, “What can I get for ya?”

The man says, “A beer for me, and another for the road.”

TIL that "Call of Duty" has a different name in the Middle-East

They call it "The Sims"

Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?"

Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I watched a documentary on LSD the other day.

I think all documentaries should be watched that way.

I dated an African girl....

we just clicked

Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa?

Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram of Easter and we love Easter!

Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!

Mom: My pleasure Alan.

Colin Kaepernick wasn’t the first athlete to take a knee

That honor belongs to Tonya Harding.

If you smoke seaweed on the beach...

...do you experience high tide?

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

A man is being examined by his doctor

The doctor starts looking very concerned. The man asks, "Doctor, what's wrong?" The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you can no longer masturbate." The man with a tear in his eye asks, "Doctor, why?" The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you."