She jokes

I dated an African girl....

we just clicked

Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa?

Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram of Easter and we love Easter!

Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!

Mom: My pleasure Alan.

Colin Kaepernick wasn’t the first athlete to take a knee

That honor belongs to Tonya Harding.

If you smoke seaweed on the beach...

...do you experience high tide?

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

A man is being examined by his doctor

The doctor starts looking very concerned. The man asks, "Doctor, what's wrong?" The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you can no longer masturbate." The man with a tear in his eye asks, "Doctor, why?" The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you."

If two vegans are having an argument

Is it still considered beef?

I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”

“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

The Job Interview

Me: "Time travel"

Potential Employer: "What would you say is your greatest stre-WHAT THE FUCK?!?

The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist.

\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help. I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

Never insult an Italian Baker

He'll beat the focaccia.

What do you call a gay man in his house by himself?

homolone

I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.

I tried it... It doesn't work!!

However they have stopped squeaking.

Friends are like bricks

it's kinda funny when you throw them through a window

If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"