She jokes

My wife said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

One day, a cowboy rode into town.

He tied up his horse and entered a saloon. When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing.

The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, and when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."

The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"

The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home."

Why was the dyslexic kid kicked out of the movie theater?

He kept asking where to buy cop porn.

What will the neighbors think?

With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband: "What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?" The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like." The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?" The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."

A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.

His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.

I have my steaks like I have sex!

Very rare.

I have a great joke about social anxiety.

Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

I'm like a credit card.

I'm always being used or denied.

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

A mean teacher wanted to show his class he meant business.

So he asked, "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up." After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

My mother-in-law recently bought a talking parrot, but after a week she said she was taking it back.

"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.

"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

What do Germans use to clean their shoes?

Polish.

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.