She jokes

A man tells a Rabbi that he has the desire to live forever. "What can I do?"

The Rabbi said: "Go and get married."

"Will I then live forever?" the man asked.

"No, but the desire does go away".

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

I used to be addicted to hokey pokey

But I turned myself around.

My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

What do you call a female turtle?

A clitortoise.

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks

And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.

This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead

Knock knock

Whose there?

Little boy blue.

Little boy blue who?

Kevin Spacey

Why do people never eat clocks?

Because it’s really time consuming.

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

I asked my physician why he hits people on the knee with that little rubber headed hammer

He said "just for kicks"

I've heard that Argentina is starting to get a little colder...

In fact, it's bordering on Chile

I removed the rear view mirror from my car.

I haven't looked back since.

My son asked what marriage was like.

I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

There are 4 states of matter... Solids, Liquids, Gases, and

Black lives

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

.... then soviet.

Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd."

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”