She jokes

Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Sometimes I let her sleep instead

I finally figured out where that "programmers live in basements" myth comes from!

It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment.

I told my son that masturbation is perfectly normal and heathy and nothing to be embarrassed about.

"OK, Dad," he said, "but could you do it somewhere else please?"

I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.

I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.

Day 584 without sex.

Went jogging in flip flops just to remind me what it sounds like..

A perfectionist walked into a bar

Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough

The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...

They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."

Which cat made it across first?

The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....

I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes

Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a change."

"Excuse me lady but how long has your father been in jail?" NSFW

"He's not in jail. What are you talking about?"

"I'm not sure how he has resisted but if I were your father I would be in jail."

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture.

What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

The Delete Key

Where does Obama keep his armies?

In the Baracks.

U2 was playing a concert in Ireland...

Bono took a pause after one of his songs, waited for the arena to go silent, and started clapping very slowly.

He then spoke softly "Everytime I clap" *clap* "A child dies in Africa" *clap*

And that's when some drunk guy stood up and shouted "Well then stop clapping you asshole!"

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But catscan

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Easy, just paint his balls red.

Now what’s the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot

A carrot

It shouldn't be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump

It's always darkest before Don