Sleep jokes

Bed

There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..

Getting 8 hours of sleep

Wife

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.

Boss

My boss calls me "the computer".

Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked "shut down" instead of "sleep".

Wife

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

Coffee

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.

Really? I have the exact opposite.

Wow, seriously?

Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

Guy

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow? A: A bull-dozer Q: How does a farmer count his cows? A: With a cowculator Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work Q: Why don't cows have money? A: The farmers milk them dry Q: What's a grumpy cow called? A: Moooody

Grumpy

Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Sometimes I let her sleep instead

Will Smith

Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

Doctor

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

Grandfather

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.

King

A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.

The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.

A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.

He ordered them to all drop their pants. They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.” The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”

Husband

A husband and wife were sleeping one night

When they wake up the next morning, the wife says, "I had a funny dream. I dreamt that there was an auction and they were auctioning off penis'. Little ones were $10, big ones were $100"

"How much was were the ones like mine going for?"

"They were giving them away."

"Well," He says, "I had a similar dream. I dreamed that there was an auction for vaginas. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100."

"What about ones like mine?" She inquires.

"That's where they had the auction!"