The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Interesting crowd. Nsfw
A zoophiliac a necrophiliac a pyromaniac and a masochist are trying to find something to do.
First the zoophiliac says; -"let's find a cat and we can rape him", to which the necrophiliac responds; -"yes then we can kill it and rape him again", then the pyromaniac says; -"yes then we can burn him"
And finally the masochist says; - "meow".
A man walks into a bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar, and I'm blonde. So, do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "Forget that! I ain't explaining the joke four times."
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the Statue of Liberty? The statue stands for something.
I try to teach my mom something new every day.
They say you're supposed to learn from your mistakes
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"
His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."
I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian
To show up at my funeral in black suits and say "thank you boss", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.
A man walks into the doctors and says he has something wrong with his penis...
... the doctor says “Ok, take off your clothes so I can do an examination”
The man does as he says and the doctor examines his penis
The doctor says “Sir, I’m afraid you need to stop masturbating”
The man says “Why?”
The doctor says “Because I need to do the examination”
A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.
He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?
The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.
The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?
The marine says: No sir.
One of the generals takes a ruler and starts to measure. But he does not find the balls.
General:Where are your balls marine?
Marine: In vietnam
My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.
Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first
It’s ok i will come inside..
The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist.
\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-
An Anteater walks into a bar....
Bartender says "can I get you a drink" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo"
Frazzled, the bartender says "What's with the long no's"? Anteater replies "I was born with it".
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
My Wife was dying
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."
It's sad how families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Girl: "Come over." Orphan: "I can’t." Girl: "My parents aren’t home ;)" Orphan: "Oh, cool, something we have in common."
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?
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