A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....
"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"
Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa?
Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram of Easter and we love Easter!
Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!
Mom: My pleasure Alan.
Dad: Son, you're adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.
Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
i caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
so i had to ground him. he’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
Good Kid!
A father had a rather dim-witted son. One day, the son came home from school. His father asked him, "How was school, son?" His son replied, "Great dad! My teacher asked a question, and only I could answer!" His father was overjoyed. He probed, "Good kid! What was the question?"
His son replied, "She asked, 'Who farted?' "
I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."
So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.
My son asked what marriage was like.
I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...
...So you can let me down one last time.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...
“What did you just call it?!” I cried.
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.
I told my son that masturbation is perfectly normal and heathy and nothing to be embarrassed about.
"OK, Dad," he said, "but could you do it somewhere else please?"
My wife just gave birth to our son on an aeroplane!
He was airborne
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee thanks, grandpa."
"Why are you calling me grandpa?"
"Because I didn't find it yeterday."
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room
He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it
A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman
After much deliberation,they named their son
Ravi O'Lee
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licks his cone and replies:
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday; the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.