Speed

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road

They hold up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!" A passing driver yells, "You guys are crazy!" and shakes his head in disbelief as he speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires, and then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge out of order' instead?"

A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

Cop said: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

The guy replied: “I was trying to keep up with traffic”

The cop said: “But there is no traffic”

And the guy answered: “That’s how far behind I am”

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

Don't drive like my brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.

Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops

The cop asks “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg replies “No, but I know where I am.”

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”

The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.

He asks the driver whats wrong.

Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.

He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’s husband is pale as a ghost and visibly shaken. “What’s the matter with him?” he asks.

She answers, “We just got off of interstate 195.”

When a woman buys a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun

But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 latex doll with high speed pulsating pussy, elasticised anus with non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm sound system, he gets called a pervert.

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have balls."

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump, Then the speed bump starts screaming.

A car gets pulled over

Policeman: "sir, you were driving above the speed limit here. Give me your licence".

Man:" this must be a mistake. I was driving below the speed limit. I always do..."

Woman: "Darling, you know it isn't true".

Man: "shut up you stupid cunt".

Policeman: "sir, license please".

Man: "I already told you I wasn't overspeeding".

Woman: "it was way above the speed limit, dear".

Man: "I told you to shut up woman."

Policeman: "ma'am, does this man mistreat you?".

"only when he is drunk".

You're riding a horse full speed, a man on a giraffe at your side, and a ferocious lion in hot pursuit. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

What's the speed limit of sex?

68 – at 69 you have to turn around.

Scientists have found a way to slow down the speed of light...

They shine it through a post office.

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.

The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.

Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"

The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds?

Chevy Chase.