Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
Why did the sperm cross the street?
Because I put on the wrong socks today
So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions:
"Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?"
"Yeah, it's on 3rd street."
"What, right next to the brothel?"
"What? No! The brothel is on 17th street."
"Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"
A Priest and a Prostitute
One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.
Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"
The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"
A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"
Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"
A group of blondes walk into a bar,
all of them chanting "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They got a table and continued to yell "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They started hooting and high-fiving each other as well. Intrigued, the bartender walks over to the table and sees a finished child's puzzle with Sesame Street's Elmo on it. "What are we celebrating?" asks the bartender.
"We finished this puzzle in twenty-four days," said one of the blondes,"but the box label said '3 to 5 years'!"
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people look both ways before they start...
The entire neighborhood got together to discuss what to do about that crazy guy on our street ...
... I'm a bit annoyed that I was the only one not invited.
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells, “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”
Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;
Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier and says: “Who were YOU thinking about?”.
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?...
... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.
Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids. He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.
An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...
...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.
A man is standing on a tall ledge.
A physicist yells from the street, "Don't jump! You have too much potential!"
Two gay men are walking down the street. One of them is wearing a very flashy shirt.
A woman approaches and says, "oh my gosh, I love your top!"
The man replies, "thank you! I love him too!"
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?
A roads scholar
Two atoms were walking down the street.
One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"
