Suck jokes

An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating up, she stopped, turned around and started walking away. I ran after her with my trousers and underpants still around my ankles, pleading for her to finish

The pilot gets ready for the flight

"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. "Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick". Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"

My marriage counselor asked me to think of something me and my wife have in common....

I said, "Well, we both refuse to suck dick."

Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

You know what sucks?

Negative Pressure

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

"The handwriting's is Melania's."

I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.

I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.

*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife’s dick”

I love self deprecating humour...

Too bad i suck at it.

A hooker walked up to me....

And said "I'll suck your dick for $20."

I said "Let me see the $20 first."

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

What do you call a girl that doesn't suck dick?

You don't.

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

Elton John is a great pianist

but I hear he sucks on the organ

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day

Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base....

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It’s quite urgent**