There jokes

What do you get when you throw a grenade inside a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blonaparte :)

Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods...

...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

Want to know how to get a fat girl in bed?

It’s a piece of cake

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout but dies when you swat them with a newspaper...

Shows how toxic our media is...

How long are math snakes?

3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is

(I'm so sorry)

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players...

The servers are currently down...

My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar

I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?

Ian

They say make-up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship?

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

Your mom said she wanted something that could go from zero to two hundred in 3 seconds...

...so I bought her a scale.

A husband and wife are winding down in the bedroom getting ready to go to sleep

Husband "You want me to put some on TV"

Wife "Sure honey, you can pick"

Husband "Okay, I am picking either golf or porn, what do you think?"

Wife "Porn, definitely porn. You're already good at golf"

Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

She said "If we had kids I wonder what they would look like?"

I said "If we have kids, they'll be wondering what I look like."

What's a women's favorite thing to play with?

My emotions.