My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...
And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.
9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.
They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them.
The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette starts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others.
She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, all the Blondes clap.
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
Necrophilia is dead boring
Incest is better, it's only relatively boring
I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl.
I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, Please don’t get an erection”. But she did.
I caught my husband going to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better
But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday.
Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?
A stroke of luck.
I got arrested while jamming on my guitar..
Apparently, I was fingering A Minor.
A new study found
that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..
And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
What is the fastest way to become a millionaire?
Step 1: become a billionaire.
Step 2: buy an EA game.
My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space
We don't seem to have established a functional continuum
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount rushmore
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a Saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
I can swallow a rope and poop out a lasso
I shit you knot.
I finally quit drinking for good
Now I drink for evil
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...
...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"