There jokes

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a rum and.............cola"

"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.

The bear shrugs and says "I dunno, I was born with them."

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

Why is dark spelt with a 'k' and not a 'c'?

Because you can't 'c' in the dark

Sixteen sodiums walk into a bar...

...followed by Batman.

The earth was flat...

Until they buried yomama

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic ?

Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there's a dog.

I just won a farting contest.

The judges were blown away.

My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all lawyers are assholes.' A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!' 'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies. 'No I'm an asshole!'

Knock Knock!

- Who's there?

- Doorbell repair guy.

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

"How much to buy a singing ensemble?"

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

"Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"

I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..

She's my Seoul mate.

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite star wars character..

You should have seen the luke on her face....

Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate..!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

What's the manliest job a man could do?

Mail man.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.