There jokes

You can't breathe through your nose when you're smiling

Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile

What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?

They both turn "o" into "O".

What did the gamer say when his girlfriend asked what World of Warcraft and League of Legends were?

"Wow, lol"

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?”

The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight. Then the son said “But I only see two.”

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

Last night my wife wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

And she wanted me to drive

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

What state is Lake Michigan in?

In liquid state 😛

‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor...

It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."

I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?

Being married is solving problems together.

Problems I wouldn't have, if I was single.

Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her B-shells.

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

Dating a chick with 12 nipples sounds funny...

Dozen tit?

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend?

I need space.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for work?

Bison