There jokes

What begins with “M” and ends in “arriage” and is a mans favorite thing?

A miscarriage That Joke never gets old just like the baby

Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?

a Calendar has dates.

What's the grossest number?

6.9 because it's a 69 with a period in the middle.

Sex for Money

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.

At the Dentist

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled. "Excuse Me,Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."

"I Know" She answered sweetly. "So let us be very careful not to hurt each other ... OK?"

I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car

Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me

How much do you weigh after eating Chinese food?

Wonton

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

When my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant I started crying in despair

I know too well what is it like to grow without a father ...

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

I fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels

She didn't know I existed

Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....

cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

My dad died recently.

He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.

I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,

“Be positive”.

How Long is an Asian man’s name.

Hint: It’s not a question.

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?

Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”

Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?

Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

The Atlanta falcons just came out and said they won the Super Bowl

until the illegal second half was played.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."