There jokes

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.

What do you call a fake gun?

A JK-47

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father and son!”

The machine quickly hit her.

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metrognomes.

What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda

Thank god it was only a Fanta sea

If you open a camp to help kids that have ADHD...

Does it count as a concentration camp?

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens"

He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”

“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.

I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.

It's syncing now.

I was walking by a car filled with bIack people and as I came near they locked the door. I felt like such a badass

Then I realized that it was my car..

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time

I always wondered why a frisbee gets bigger as it gets closer.

And then it hit me.

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican.

The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."