A man notices his wife's butt is getting big
I bet your butt is as big as my grill."
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?"
Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..
..April fools!"
A little 5yo girl goes into a petshop
Hello, I want a little bunny
Worker: Sure, you want that small fluffy white one or the small puffy brown one?
Girl: I dont think my python cares...
I think it's best to wear two different deodorants, one for each armpit
But that's just my two scents
Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.
As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.
I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water...
Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.
I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
I dressed up as a UDP packet for Halloween...
...but I don’t think anyone got it.
Hit by a fastball
A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs and a pained expression on his face. "what happened darling?" says his wife. "I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies. "Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better". So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils. "how's that my darling, are you feeling better?" The man examines his bruised finger and says: "That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."
My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard,
but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj
A recent study shows that 9/10 men prefer women with big boobs.
I think the 10th one prefers the other 9.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells, “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”
Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;
Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier and says: “Who were YOU thinking about?”.
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer
I saw it through my telescope last night.
You think you are introverted?
Wait until you never meet me.
I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket...
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My parrot died today...
His last words were
“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”
A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.
“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”
“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....
“That’s the spirit!”
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside.