What will the neighbors think?
With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband: "What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?" The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like." The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?" The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."
As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....
Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.
Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back. One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?" The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”
Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me; I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’re just going to have to be a little patient.”
Uvalde citizen gets pulled over
A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have balls."
What does someone walking a tightrope have in common with a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman?
Both guys are thinking “Don’t look down, just don’t look down”.
After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.
The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.
Well, I beg to differ.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I’m scared." Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
Teacher: "Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up." Class: no one stands up Teacher: "Oh, come on. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room." Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: "Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb?" Little Johnny: "No, I just feel bad you're standing alone."
My sister thinks she's so smart; she said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at her.
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
Think everyone who wrote these jokes is dead yet?
There are some sounds that everyone loves:
- Shoes on gravel - Crackling of fire - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you - Cats purring