Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...
I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself
My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A wise Nigerian prince once said...
"I think, therefore I scam."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch
The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"
The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest" *Poof!* the brunette disappears.
The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest" *Poof!* the redhead disappears.
The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese
made a language entirely out of tattoos.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great...
But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.
Ever wonder why you always get a boner when you look in the mirror?
That's because your dick thinks you're a cunt too!
Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.
I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”
I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
And I'm thinking,
"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me,
because she calls me her sixty-second lover.
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM
(George Michael)
I used to think the brain was the most important organ.
And then I thought, look what's telling me that.