A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath
They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.
This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.
I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.
So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today
I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think we care.
My job sent me to a sexual harassment seminar last week...
And now, I'm thinking I'm gonna be pretty good at it.
Happy Anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.
But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.
Bunny
A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"
The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."
I think they made a mistake when they named childbirth “delivery”.
It should have been called “takeout” instead.
A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was. " They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.
If you think about it, humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I mean have *you* ever eaten a monkey?
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.
Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.
Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I’m sure most kids smell that way.
Guy walks into a bar
And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other
Bartender says "what's the occasion?"
Guy says " my first blowjob"
Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"
Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker...
...Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.
When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
“Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime”
Son: “Why was it something I said?”
Dad: “Yes.”
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks
It cost me an arm and a leg!
As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting.
But apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.