I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....
He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.
Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it. So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.
Wonderwoman: Did you feel that strong gust of wind just now?
Invisible Man: Yeah, and on top of that my ass is killing me.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.
Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”
One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself..
.. this isn't for me.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...
And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs. "Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."
For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife
I thought that was an awesome trade
After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.
Turns out it was a cagey bee.
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...
“Got any 2 watt bulbs?”
“For what?”
“That’ll do I’ll take two.”
“Two what?”
“I thought you didn’t have any.”
“Any what?”
“Ok then!”
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam”
Drink
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.
So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"
Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"
Because it's a cow word.
----
I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?
I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store
But that's a whisk I'm willing to take