Time jokes

The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.

(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)

One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself..

.. this isn't for me.

What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show

"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"

Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...

...So you can let me down one last time.

If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...

...try throwing it harder next time.

A Man Walks into His Home

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"

His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

A woman goes to the doctor. “Please help. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The doctor says “are you taking anything for it?”

The woman says “Yes. Pepper.”

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, “hey I know what you’re about to do, and I won’t pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It’s been a really long time.

She replies, no you sicko!”

So he says “it’s cool. I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

A friend once asked me what's my favorite time of the day

I said it was simple: 6:30, hands down!

A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

*"So then, why are you telling me?"*

"I'm telling everybody."

"I'm so wet!" She yelled. "Give it to me right now!"

But I didn't care how many times she asked, she wasn't getting my umbrella.

Had my first threesome tonight.

There were two no-shows but I still had a great time

Last time I stayed at a hotel I asked the front desk for a wake up call.

She called me twenty minutes later and said, "what the fuck are you doing with your life?"

Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."

The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."