Tree jokes

Why don't I like trees?

They look kinda shady to me

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

“My dad drives like the lightning!”

“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”

“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?

A woman is sitting in a park one day, watching two men work. The first man digs a hole, and then the second man fills it back in. Then the first man digs another hole, and again, the second man fills it back up. They keep doing this over and over again. Finally, the women asks them, “Why do you keep digging holes and filling them back in?” One of the guys replies, “Well, usually there’s a third guy here who puts in the tree, but he’s out sick today.”

A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?”

The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight. Then the son said “But I only see two.”

What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree?

"I'd tap that."

When I told my mother I wanted to put the Christmas tree up myself...

she suggested that I should put it up in the living room instead.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?

A pool table

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”