There are five cows on a farm: one mama cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well, honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because, honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replies, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!"
Why did I walk across the road? To get hit by a car.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off; you won't bring it back!"
My flat earther friend decided to prove his theory by walking to the end of the world
In the end, he came around.
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.
I absolutely hate when they ask
“Where did you get it?”
“Why is it in a bucket?”
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
A general walks up to his private
"Private!"
"Yes, sir!"
"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"
"Thank you, sir!"
Marital expectations
Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.
After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”
I walked into a bookstore
Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"
Worker: "Hardback?"
Me: "Yeah, with little heads."
Personal Question
On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."
"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"
A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.
My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"
I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."
Heard this one from a scientist last night
Two scientists walk into a bar:
“I’ll have an H2O.”
“I’ll have an H2O, too.”
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.
A guys walks into a bar...
...and sits down at the bar. He orders a whiskey and begins to drink. He looks up and notices a monkey.
"What's with the monkey?" he asks the barkeep.
"Well, watch this." The bartender pulls a stick from behind the bar and whacks the monkey. The monkey climbs down and gives the bartender a blowjob.
"Wanna give it a try?" the bartender asks the man.
"Sure. Just don't hit me so hard with stick!"
A monk, priest, and rabbit walk into a blood bank...
The rabbit turns to the other two and says, “I think I’m a type-O.”
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...
He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"
She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."
Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."
