In Tribute
Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk
Man: you're on
Boy: how does sandpaper feel?
Dog: Ruff!
Boy: what's on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?
Dog: Ruth!
Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of here!
* Boy and dog walk away *
Dog to boy: should I have said Hank Aaron?
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...
Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".
Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"
The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”
“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?
A dead bird.
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.
"Why son?" The dad asks. "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
The inventor of autocorrect walks into a bar
he asks for a bear
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, shits on the floor and leaves.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants...
The bartender looks over and says, "Get the fuck out of my bar, we're sick of hearing this goddamn joke."
Two economists are walking in the park.
The first economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the other, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50. Later on, the second economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the first, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that pile of dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50.
The first economist says, "I can't help but feel we just ate dog shit for nothing." "Nonsense," says the second economist, "We just contributed $100 to the economy."
Trump and Putin are sitting in Putin's office discussing how powerful they are.
Putin says "Watch this." He picks up the phone and says something in Russian.
A beautiful woman walks in the room, kneels in front of Putin and begins giving him a blow job.
Minutes pass, and Putin finishes. He gives the woman a tap on the head, and she stands up and walks out of the room.
Looking back at Trump, Putin asks "Do you want to try?"
Trump replies "Yeah, but please dont tap me on the head when you're done."
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
You get what you paid for
So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says " no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll give you a bag of toys, iPad and money" and the girld says "NO dad! YOU wanted the damn Dacia, now leave me alone!"
Ugh, I hate millenials...
Walking around here like they rent the place.
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fuck you Americans too!"
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.
“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
A snake walks in to a bar...
Barman says "you can't do that"!