A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...
The rich guy, making small talk, goes
"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"
The poor guy goes:
"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."
(Thanks Dad.)
A piece of toast walks into a bar.
The bartender starts chatting with him. "Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."
The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."
My graphing calculator works really well...
Some would say it functions perfectly.
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...
An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”
I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”
She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”
When one door closes another one opens
“That’s all well and good”, I told the car dealer, “but I’m not buying the car until you fix it!”
His visit to the eye doctor.
A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doctor answered, “probably not.”
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?
Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers
"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "
She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"
How can you tell a man from a woman
Well, there's not really a vas deferens
A group of blondes walk into a bar,
all of them chanting "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They got a table and continued to yell "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They started hooting and high-fiving each other as well. Intrigued, the bartender walks over to the table and sees a finished child's puzzle with Sesame Street's Elmo on it. "What are we celebrating?" asks the bartender.
"We finished this puzzle in twenty-four days," said one of the blondes,"but the box label said '3 to 5 years'!"
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”
A priest and a man are standing next to each other at a urinal...
The man cannot help himself and looks over at the priest. He notices the priest has a nicotine patch on his penis. Puzzled, the man asks, "Father why do you have a nicotine patch on your penis for?" The priest replies, "well, since I've started wearing these I am down to two butts a day."
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now! Wait...
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!
My marriage counselor asked me to think of something me and my wife have in common....
I said, "Well, we both refuse to suck dick."
Wasted
A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband.
"I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
How I lost my Teeth
I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”
I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.
So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”
My dental surgery is this Friday!.