A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.
Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.
Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.
The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.
Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!
Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
A wife is speaking to her husband...
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.
Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.
Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes.
Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
My wife and I were camping...
and an angry looking bear surprised us while we were eating. She looked at me and said "Should I give him some of the stew I made?"
I said, "No, he looks angry enough already."
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.
My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.
So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.
Long live the republic!
Did you know Napoleon and his wife are buried next to each other?
They're only a Bonaparte
What do you call a hippie's wife from the South?
Mississippi
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on this crossword clue “Overworked Postman”— can you help?”
She said, “Sure. How many letters?”
Me: I’m guessing—- Too many.
I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.
......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!
My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.
When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.
I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word "Gigawatt" had been tattooed on my penis.
"What the fuck is that?" she yelled.
I said, "It's a prick with too much power."
Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourettes.
Turns out she doesn't have Tourettes.
I am a Cunt and she really does want me to Fuck off.
My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.
After a short trial, I was found not guilty.
My wife and I have been arguing about whether we want kids
Our son is taking it really hard
One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain...” “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”
A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
An undertaker says to a bereaved husband
‘When did you realise your wife was dead?’ ‘Well,’ he replies, ‘the sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up...’
from Internet.
My wife just walked in on me blow drying my penis, she looked confused and asked me what I was doing. I now know heating your dinner isn't the right answer