An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story:
There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umbrella against the leopard and tries to shoot. A loud bang is heard and the leopard dies on the spot.
Old man: That's impossible, somebody else must have shot the leopard!
Doctor: Exactly my point!
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm
Says, "This is the pig I've been fucking"
His wife says, "That's a duck"
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you..."
Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”
That’s M’Shell on my back
I’ve always had bad luck with women.
My first wife died and now my second wife won’t.
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.
The wife said, "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."
The husband said, "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."
The wife said, "And what about the smell???"
The husband replied, "Just block the fish's nose...."
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
The wife told me the cat had to be chipped.
I only have a nine iron but i still got it over the shed
in for a penny, in for a pound
A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!”
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...
She said, she's sorry she ever married me.
Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids
“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”
Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates
“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”
I was digging in the back garden...
.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,
Until I remembered why I was digging.
I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.
"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.
She said, "Yeah..."
I said, "It's 9pm and my house."
My wife is a horrible singer .
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
An elderly couple goes to annual check up together
During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining what husband told him. Wife is shocked: "Oh bloody hell, he's been pissing in the fridge again!"
My wife yelled to me from upstairs.
Wife: "Do yo ever get a shooting pain across your body,
like someones got a voodoo doll of you and the're stabbing it.?"
Me: "No.. why."
Wife:. "How about now.?"
Oh deer...
One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.
Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...
Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"
Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."
Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"
On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:
Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.