Wife jokes

My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That's just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

My friend met his wife on tinder

...It was six months after their wedding

A wizard doesn't finger his wife...

Elixir

proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I’m just after my money.

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pool.

"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the Hell out

As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long slow, and very painful death He turned around and said, "So, you want me to fucking stay?"

A man is doing a crossword and asks his wife for help.

Husband: Body of water, three letters.

Wife: Bay.

Husband: Flying insect with stinger, three letters.

Wife: Bee.

Husband: To hush someone, four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Husband: Boat Noah built, three letters.

Wife: Ark.

Husband: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”

A man walks into a bar with a gun

And shouts, "Who the hell fucked my wife?!" A man in the back replied "You haven't got enough bullets mate!"

The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"

The patient said "Yes I'm ready"

The dentist said "I slept with your wife"

I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.

I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.

I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”

“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

I had a dream..

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

A toothbrush salesman at the mall

A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall. So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip. A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is. The salesman says "you really must try the dip" And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it. "Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!" The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..