Year jokes

So my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

I'm socially constipated...

I haven't given a shit in years

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital....

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

Why does the army plant saplings every year?

To grow the infant-tree

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?

Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

Today is Abdul's farewell party.

My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"

Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."

Mom: "Awww!"

Dad: "...Underwater."

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

I showed my 12 year old son an old floppy disk..

He said "Wow.. Cool! You 3D printed the save icon!"

My son was thrown out of school for the third time this year for letting a girl in his class jerk him off

Im starting to think that maybe teaching isn't for him.

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

It’s not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

From my handwriting identification skills.

I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

Apparently 1 in 3 households live next door to a pedophile

Not me though, I live next to two smoking hot 7 year olds.

This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"