Shit

I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.

"Can you believe that after all that shit they're still together?"

Who? "My buttcheeks."

My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

My grief counsellor just died

Luckily he was good so I don’t give a shit

I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...

Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?

I ate a contradiction the other day...

it constipated the shit out of me.

I threw some of my poo at a famous football player.

Shit got Messi.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One says to the other "what do you say we go in there and get shit-faced?"

My roommate is gay

There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.

Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."

Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"

Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

I can't see a thing with all this shit in here.

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!! Person 2: Who?! Person 1: My ass cheeks.

I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol

A toothbrush salesman at the mall

A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall. So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip. A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is. The salesman says "you really must try the dip" And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it. "Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!" The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.

“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet

He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"

Pavlov walks into a bar

As he opens the door the bell rings. "Oh shit!" Yells Pavlov, "I forgot to feed my dogs!"

I shit my pants the other day.

Which is funny, because I don't remember eating them.

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

I'm socially constipated...

I haven't given a shit in years

How is the Quran like weed?

Burning that shit will get you stoned.

I was given LSD and MDMA tonight

What a shit start to a game of Scrabble!!

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.